All alone

That is how I feel.

Gray, cold and alone.

I know that isn't the case but that is how I am feeling.

I'm sure in comparison to others my problems are minor but they are real.

I know we all feel this way sometimes, hopeless, maybe lost.

I realize that things are not always going to be like this, things can and will change. They always do. I also realize that if I want change it is up to me and me alone.

I've got to keep it in my head that I'm not dead and until then I still can control my life. It's time to start living.

You shine so bright

My daughter has a wonderful heart. And once again this Christmas has showed me that she is a beautiful person inside and out. We had our family Christmas party at my mom's house like we do every year. And went home around midnight. When we got home she received an e-mail from a friend of hers. Her friend and his family are going through some terrible times right now and they had no money for Christmas gifts this year. The family consists of a single mother with 3 young girls, 2 of them not in school yet and one girl in elementary school and a boy in high school.

Luckily we have great organizations like goodfellows and such to help unfortunate people around the holidays. Anyways they brought over gifts for the kids except when the mother and son were wrapping the gifts had discovered there was nothing for the oldest girl who was still in elementary school. They were really depressed and upset. Well it was after midnight when we got the news of this. Of course no stores remained open so my daughter and decided to search through our house and find some items we had that we could wrap up. As we were searching the house she decided she would rather give the gifts to this little girl that my daughter was supposed to get. She would rather herself have nothing than let this young girl be disappointed. Of course I didn't let her do that but just for the fact that I didn't think they were appropriate for someone so young. (cloths) But we scoured the house late that night looking for things this girl would appreciate. We ran them over there about one o'clock in the morning. We ended up giving her some body spray, glitter, some jewelry, an American girl doll that was never played with, books, and a board game that never got played with either. It was amazing all the things we found that meant nothing to us but the world to a little girl on Christmas. The young girl liked all her gifts. I have to smile thinking now how on Christmas morning when my daughter and I got up the first thing we said to each other was we felt we didn't do enough. We probably could have done more for this family. It strikes me odd that we didn't feel proud of the little we did, we felt a little empty for feeling we could have done more. I hope this feeling stays with us for awhile because so many people are in need of something and small gestures from people could mean so much to others. I'm also happy to say I must have done something right in raising my kids because they are amazing and rest assured they someday (way way in the future) we be amazing parents to my grand kids.

Change or not to Change

When I take pictures I love to run home hop on the computer and "fix" any thing I don't like about them.. I took this picture and ..... it was perfect. No touch ups needed. No need to sharpen. I am struggling to keep my head out of the water as I am drowning in the big financial pool. With an unsecure job that gives little hours to the tons of medical bills and of course mistakes made by me. So many things in my life that needs fixed. To bad I haven't figured out how to do that so easy. Its nice to know that somethings in my life are already perfect... my kids for one. Not in the sense that they are "perfect" but they are usually good, they're good to me and good to others. Thats one more thing in my life that I don't need to change.

To Heavy

As I walked out of the house today I seen this tree. My first reaction was wow that's so pretty and then a split second later I thought oh no the snow is so heavy it might break under the pressure. As I was removing the snow it occurred to me that like this tree sometimes I feel the heavy weight on my shoulders. I feel like I am bogged down and can't change the way things are. But I know that, that isn't true. Maybe the snow will blow away as quickly as it came or maybe it will have to bear the weight until the spring thaw. Even if it breaks under the pressure it doesn't mean its over. The roots have been there for along time and maybe tomorrow will be new growth. Just as today may bring a new beginning to us.

Starting Today

Starting Today... I will start making changes to be the person I was meant to be. We all know God put us on this earth for a reason. I don't think he meant for me to just let life whiz by me without much care or acomplishments. He gave me gifts and I thank him for them. As it is to late for me to do things I should have yesterday... I will start today. I am starting this to help inspire myself and maybe inspire others.

So start today.